


Before I Go

by kylaer



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Romance, Comfort/Angst, Crying, M/M, Short & Sweet, The Author Regrets Nothing, except it's painful, lapslock, one of those things that you read in the middle of the night to make yourself sad(tm), this hurt to write tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:14:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26014849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kylaer/pseuds/kylaer
Summary: mingi has to leave.they knew it would happen, and yet they fell anyway.this is their last night together.
Relationships: Choi San/Song Mingi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 34





	Before I Go

**Author's Note:**

> I recommend listening to either Before I Go by Mimi Webb, Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi, or Losing You by Wonho while reading! they're the three songs I played while I wrote this.

mingi regretted a lot of things.

he regretted walking into class on his first day in a new school and choosing to sit beside san. he regretted giving san his number when he asked for it. he regretted agreeing to go on a date, and he regretted each date that came after. he regretted getting to know all of san’s friends and regretted growing close to them. 

most of all, mingi regretted falling so deeply in love with the boy who had shown him there was so much more to life than a new city; a new town; a new house; a new school — that life was _worth living._

against his own better judgement, mingi had given san his heart, and he’d taken san’s in return.

but maybe if he’d sat beside someone else, maybe if he had listened to his head instead of his heart, saying goodbye wouldn’t be so hard. 

maybe if san had listened when mingi warned him — warned him that he’d probably leave namhae within the year — it wouldn’t hurt so much. 

but san was kind. he was sweet and charming. he lifted mingi up on his down days and held him even higher on the better. san made mingi laugh. san made him feel alive. san showed mingi the world. san made mingi better. 

san was mingi’s home. 

mingi had never had a _home_ before san. 

but now he was leaving his home, leaving san. 

the news had come the eve of their seventh month in namhae. mingi had just arrived home from school, san in tow, when his parents pulled him aside. 

_“we’re leaving, mingi.”_ they told him. _“your father’s needed in incheon.”_

that was the first time mingi had seen san cry. 

and here, a week later, mingi was witnessing it a second time.

over the past seven months, san’s bedroom had become mingi’s safe place. it was a place where mingi could let loose and be himself. where his intimidating facade dropped and he could just be _mingi_ — a sweet, loving, happy boy who craved touch and affection. it was a place where mingi wasn’t afraid of anything. it was a place where he and san could hide away from the world and just bask in each other’s presence. 

but the night before mingi’s departure, san’s bedroom didn’t feel safe. 

even wrapped up in san’s arms. even as his fingers shifted through his hair. even as san sang to him, voice caught in his throat… san’s room didn’t feel safe.

it was just a painful reminder of what he would be leaving behind the following day. 

the first cry came in the middle of a song. san’s voice finally gave out, replaced by a wrenching sob that jerked his whole body. and then he continued to cry, loud and painful.

mingi could only wrap his arms tight around san. he could only fold san into his body and hold him close. even if he had tried, soothing words would go unheard upon san’s ears. so mingi held him and squeezed him and smoothed his hair, a silent reminder that he was still there.

it took all of his willpower to hold back his own tears. biting his lip and screwing his eyes shut, mingi swallowed lump after lump stuck in his throat. 

san’s tears dried ten minutes later, eyes rimmed with red and snot threatening to drip from his nose. “it hurts so much,” he’d whispered, his voice scratchy.

“i know,” mingi replied. “it hurts me too.” and it did. maybe if mingi had known how painful it would be to leave san and everyone else behind, he wouldn’t have let san kiss him when he asked to that very first time. 

“do you think we’re making a mistake?” san fiddled with the chain around mingi’s neck. “not trying long distance?”

they’d come to a mutual agreement; long distance would be too hard. mingi was too dependent on touch and physical contact, and needed attention. san wouldn’t last long only talking over the phone and not in person. neither wanted to have to say goodbye twice, if mingi ever came to visit (or vice versa).

and so they decided a break up would be easier. 

but even mingi himself had been wrestling with the second thoughts. 

“i don’t know,” he finally replied. “we could be.”

san hummed. he pressed his forehead into mingi’s chest, and mingi tucked san’s head beneath his chin. “do you regret it?”

“no,” mingi lied. it was easy. it slipped right off his tongue. “i could never regret meeting you.” 

but he did. oh, how he regretted it. 

“do _you_ regret it?”

“no.” san was quick, adamant. mingi knew he wasn’t lying. “these past seven months have been the best of my life. it wouldn’t have been that way if you weren’t in them,”

and maybe san was right. he’d given mingi reason to believe life was worth living. he’d given him happiness and love and laughter. he’d given him a sense of purpose. 

so maybe he didn’t regret everything. just the hurt.

“i wish it didn’t have to be this way,” mingi admitted. “i wish i didn’t have to move. i wish we could make long distance work, i really do. but…”

“...we both know it won’t,” san finished for him, ending it with a defeated sigh. “i know, i just… i don’t want to let you go.”

“so hold me. hold me until i have to go.”

and san did. he held onto mingi like he was his lifeline — like he was struggling to swim in a stormy sea and mingi was the only thing keeping him afloat. “promise me something.”

“what?”

“if… if you ever come back… and we’re both single… that we’ll try to make us work again.” san’s fist curled around the back of mingi’s t-shirt, pulling it taut. “just one date. to see if the spark is still there.”

“i promise.” mingi swore. it was easy. it slipped right off his tongue. “but you have to promise me something, too, okay?”

“hmm?” 

“don’t wait for me. don’t be afraid to move on. don’t hold back because of me.” mingi sucked in a shaky breath. “even if i still love you, don’t waste your future on me. please.”

san took a bit longer to respond this time. he knew mingi would always love him, just as he would always love mingi. but would that love be strong enough to hold them together years from now? 

“i promise, mingi.”

“good.” mingi felt the first tear slip from his left eye. he was quick to wipe it away, but more would burst through his shitty dam soon. “thank you.”

“i love you, mingi.”

another tear. “i love you too.” 

more tears fell. they were silent ones; the ones of utter despair that fell in the dark, and in the quiet. 

“before i go,” mingi cleared his throat and swallowed again. he blinked his eyes clear and buried his nose into san’s lilac hair. “can you sing to me one last time?”

and san did. 

and mingi cried, and he regretted, and he wished. 

and then he left. 

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to unleash your inner language arts teacher and analyze everything lol! also, what songs do you think san sang to mingi? i'd love to see what you guys come up with and how you saw everything!


End file.
